Be or Not be BE !!!

Be or Not to BE !!!!!

My story Be or not to BE  is based complexity of human thought process, resulting in vagaries of mind. 

Ratilal(M 70) was sad man. After death of his dear wife, Damini, Ratilal has become quite a lonely soul. Being a introvert, he did not had many friends and whatever few friends he had, some of them have left the city and rest have left the world, leaving Ratilal and his loneliness behind.

Ratilal was living with his son Mehul, his wife Reena and a son

Arjun. Mehul was mostly busy in his office work, Reena was always busy in daily house chores and Arjun was 10 years old, started living his personalized cellular life. In nutshell Ratilal was only member in the house, without any work & responsibility. His dull life style had made him bitter, as told “empty brain is devil’s workshop”. Ratilal’s brain constantly occupied with evil thoughts about his diminishing value, his lost fortune and family neglect.

That another day, Ratilal was busy in watching his favourite TV serial “Main Chali Sasural”. While his eyes were glued to TV screen, his mind was fuelled by negative thoughts. He felt that family members were no longer interested in him and he is a burden on the family. Lost in such thought, suddenly his grand son, Arjun changed the TV channel to MTV hungama. Ratilal considered this as an insult. He snatched the remote control and tuned it back to Main Chali Sasural. Arjun started complaining over this. Finally Reena intervened and requested Ratilal to let Arjun watch MTV Hungama for few minutes. Ratilal was furious. His mind was searching an issue for confrontation and he got it.. He threw the Remote control towards Reena and shouted angrily..”do whatever you want to do. It is clear that I have no value in this house..”..

Reena was zapped by his attitude. She was doing best she can do to take care of Ratilal. Since last few weeks She has observed that Ratilal’s behaviour has changed for the worse. He has started commenting on food prepared by her, which he gladly ate before and started cribbing on cloth ironing, getting fussy over every little thing. Reena tolerated all his fussiness,  till now.. But today she exploded. She argued back “Babuji.. why are you behaving like this.. We are just asking to you change the TV channel. And you are watching repeated episodes, which you have already seen “.. Ratilal angrily replied  “ So now  I have to ask you about what I have to watch and not to watch!! Everybody in this house are keeping eye on me… I have no value in this house… If I had my own house, I would have left…”

Love is blind and so does anger. In fit of anger, people reveal what is residing deep in their heart..  All those deep thoughts which can’t be revealed in normal condition, Anger pulls them out of closet of modesty.

Survey has shown that growing number of TV channels is also one reason for formation of nuclear families. It has increased need for privacy.  Everybody wants remote control and wants to see TV channels as per their preference. Owning Remote control is kind of authoritarian power.   In presence of Ratilal, Reena did not had that remote-control-owning power. Today in fit of anger, she vented out her frustration. She replied “ What we have asked is just to change a TV channel. Whole day you watch TV programs that  you like. We are also staying in this house, We also want to see programs, we like. “

Ratilal has always, gained respect from Reena and had never experienced her  anger. Reena used to tolerate his tantrums and he  enjoyed this luxury. But today, Reena retorted and Ratilal could not bear it. He took fight to next level to retain his control over her. He jumped from his bed and started shouting  “ I am not getting enough food. Nobody bothers about me. I want to leave this house and stay in Ashram“…

Ratilal thought that his ultimate threat will bring Reena on her knees. Listening to brawl, Ratilals’ son Mehul came out of room.. He angrily asked “what is happening ?”

Ratilal thought that his son will favour him. He told him “Ask your wife “.

Mehul replied “ I have heard every thing.. it’s your fault Babuji. You are behaving childish, fighting for TV channel, grow up..” Reena gave victorious look to Ratilal.

Listing to his Son, Ratilal felt his crown has toppled.  His status in family as respected elder is vanishing.  Nevertheless, he had energy to defend his title. He used his ultimate tactic.. Suddenly he brought tears in his eyes “ If you all hate me.. tell me I will quit your house.. If I am burden, I will go to somewhere else.. I will not trouble you any more “…

Mehul got angrier on the drama. He shouted back “ Babuji…. Stop this drama… and do whatever you want, we are fed up “

Reena, Mehul and Arjun left the room, leaving Ratilal alone with TV…

Human being has tendency to develop immunity mechanism for event that occur often. Ratilal had often used combination of  tears, shouting and threats to get his job done. But now family has created immunity from his threats. His tears and angry bursts have lost the value. 

Ratilal’s ultimate threat also did not work… He and his ego, collapsed on chair.  He felt like king who has lost every inch and penny of his kingdom. Lost in depressive thoughts, he felt asleep.

When he woke up, it was 2 AM in the morning. He was hungry. He found that Reena has kept Dinner for him on the dinning table. He was hungry but not willing to eat. Listening to toilet flush, Reena woke up and warmed food for her father in law.

Hungry Ratilal could not resist warmed up dinner and started eating, without speaking with Reena. Reena looked silently  at eating Ratilal and felt like caress his head as mother does to crying child. “My old child”.. she thought and gone to her bedroom. 

Good thing about anger is that once you vent out pent up feelings, heart become clear of enmity. Ratilal has poured out all negativity and now he is feeling calm. After climbing mountain of hatred, he is descending now. He remembered the care and love Reena has shown to him, especially after death of his wife.  He started cursing himself for creating unnecessary fracas over TV channel. He felt like crying and apologizing Reena for what he has done.

Suddenly his thoughts started taking another side of negativity. Until now he was cursing his family members, now he started cursing himself. He felt like  “I am  burden to the family and good for nothing. My devil nature will keep hurting my family, who loves me so much. I am devil. I am problem. My existence is pain for me and my family. What I have done for them, other than just giving troubles?  I should be hanged to death… why to live more ? What is there to live more ! how long I will inflict pain on them.. I have no right to live..etc “

Lost in such thoughts, he could not sleep. One thought keep reoccurring to his mind  “WHY TO LIVE MORE !!!!”…

His thoughts became so dominant that he decided to finish his life for the good. He got into mood of killing himself.

At 5 AM, he left the house silently. At society gate, he met Mishra. He was least interested in talking to him. He walked down to nearby sea beach. He drank 4 cups of tea as last wish. He headed for the sea.

Vast sea was at front of him. He was going to immerse himself into the sea. He started walking into the sea, looking at horizon where Sea and Sky meet.  The water touched his feat.. it was cold.. Ratilal continued. Tides were not strong as if nature was helping him.

As he progressed, listening the sound of sea waves, He remembered all the events of this life… His birth, his parents, his school teachers, Vada-Pao outside his school, his college friends, hostel room, secret smoking, romancing with girl on terrace, his first job and salary, his marriage, marriage night, birth of Mehul, his promotion, office colleges, Mehul’s college admission, Mehul’s marriage, Reena’s entry into the house, Birth of Arjun , death of his wife…

All the images are passing by his eyes like fast moving train.. death of his wife… and train has passed, leaving desolated Ratilal behind. There was no memory after that… Iife had become Zero….

Water had reached to shoulder level… He remembered Reena and her care….. “ I thank her for everything she has done for me and God bless her..” he blessed.

He took one more step.. deeper into water and thought of Arjun… “My Arjun… May god give him best of health and wealth” He prayed and took one more step.. Now water is touching his nose..

One more step and Ratilal will be no more.. his existence will absorbed by sea..…

He closed his eyes and asked for forgiveness.. He is about to plunge into deep sea, never to return… He raised his hands and bid last farewell to his family, his house, his society building and MISHRA  standing at society gate….  ..Mishra’s image froze.. and thoughts suddenly diverted.. … .. “ MISHRA… Mishra… that lier.. I suppose to get Rs.25,000 from him.. He is giving fake promises since last 2 years, thinking I am fool… Once I die, he will never return my money.. I will not die without recovering my money from him.. “

Direction of Thoughts changed in flash. Mindest and resulting behaviour changed in flash...It’s intricate to understand complexities of human mind..

Image of Mishra suddenly changed Ratilal’s thought process and he forgot about the Suicide. Family love could not stop him from dieing but his hatred for Mishra and greed for money prevented his death… What love could not accomplice, hate did. At last minute, he tempted to live even more..

This sudden thought has changed Ratilal’s mindset.  He wanted to live now.. He got reason to live.. But density had different plan for him. In  haste, he turned towards shore and his leg slipped.. He fumbled and fell down into the  sea.. He started drowning… He made all efforts to save himself but could not.. he was so far from shore and no one saw him or heard his help-cries.

Sea was witnessing Ratilal’s last-minute frantic attempts to save himself. Ratilal sunk deep into the sea.. he was waving his hands and legs to reach to surface.. but it was too late… The more he tried, deeply he sunk.. Finally he died..

Few days after they found his dead body and concluded attempted suicide. Nobody knew the truth that, He came to the sea for death but he died, with craving for life in his heart. As conclusion, it was not attempted suicide but accidental death…